I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
