Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
