when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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