Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize