I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
