My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize