I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
