I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
