We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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