Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
