tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I can't put those talents on a resume
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
