no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
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