So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
We need to rekindle our bromance
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
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