He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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