you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
