it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
