i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Houston, we have a blender
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
