why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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