I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
