MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
