Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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