I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
