I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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