You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize