I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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