Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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