Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
