so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Randomize
