i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
