Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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