guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
