I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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