Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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