i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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