the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
