so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
