After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
My ATM looks so different sober.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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