I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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