she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
