can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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