I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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