i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
