I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
