dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
