I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
