You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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