So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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