You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize