he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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