finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Randomize
