Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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