what day is it and did you see me today?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
