ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
