i permit you to call me
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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