Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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