She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize