Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
